The Emo Saga
by Ashily
Summary: Harry's just an emo kid trying to get by while the whole world's out to get him. Then in comes the MySpace whores, Draco in drag, xStraightxEdgex, plot holes, bleeding hearts and... Hawthorne Heights?[Parody!]
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** The Emo Saga

**Author:** TearsOfEcstasy

**Summary:** Harry's just too emo.

**Rating:** PG13, cause I swear like a mother fucking trucker.

**Pairing:** Many, all are extremely laughable.

**Disclaimer:** I'm obviously not JK Rowling, so no, I don't own.

**A/N:** Just a parody, no plot, won't be updated much, but it's funny!**

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**Chapter I**

"You know Ron, life is just pointless." Harry mused, using his wand to poke at a dead rat sitting next to the ginger haired boy himself. A present from Crookshanks he supposed. Who seemed to have taken a liking to Ron as of recently, and bestowed him with many gifts. Including his half eaten homework assignments and Chudley Cannons memorabilia. Crookshanks just loved the Cannons. He even read their tell-all. Well, he ripped it to shreds. But Harry thought it might have been a sign of a good review.

"You know, Harry, I'm sick of you saying that!" Ron replied, playing himself in Wizard's chess. Because he was so damn good, only he could play with himself. In more meaning than one.

Harry sulked, and he had become very good at sulking lately. It was a sort of hobby. No, scratch that, it was an art form. He'd worked ever so long to perfect it. All summer in fact! After all, he'd been locked in his room again, with nothing to do but ponder life. Well, that and laugh at Dudley whenever he waddled past his door.

But Dudley wasn't at all important, because Harry had completely lost himself in being as emo as humanly possible. With his perfect emo pout, paired with his emo hair and glass, he just looked so damn emo. Not to mention entirely sexy.

"Harry, stop sulking."

"Hermione! What are you doing in here!" Ron cried in outrage, preparing to throw the chess board at the bushy haired girl. Much like a frisbee. The chess pieces had stuck themselves to the board and were now quivering quite curiously, though one stubborn knight had chosen instead to yell out quite profanely, "Fuck the fucking mother fucker!" To which Ron answered with a well set jab in the eye with the end of a toothpick he kept handy.

"In case you haven't noticed, this is the common room, Ron." She answered, pulling out next month's Transfiguration essay. It hadn't even been assigned yet, but amazingly she was nearly finished with it. (She'd bribed McGonagall and most of the other teachers into giving her all the homework early towards the beginning of the year. By now it was October and she had already plowed through most of January.)

"Oh, right." Ron went back to his chess game. Though with one less knight. He seemed to have abandoned the game and was packing up to leave home. Though Harry couldn't imagine he'd go very far.

Extremely bored, Harry taped the new MP3 player he'd bought himself. Because for some reason, they'd started selling them in Diagon alley, and for some reason, they worked at Hogwarts, and for some reason, the reader will chose to ignore this particular plot hole.

He selected the new Hawthorne Heights album (which he'd gotten for _some_ reason), and promptly began to "brood out". Which was much cooler than rocking out, because all Harry had to do with was slump over and pout his perfect little emo pout.

"Harry?" Ron said politely, not taking his eyes of his king, which he had just checked.

"Yes?" Harry said, flipping his emo hair just as Ginny walked in. He flashed her a rare emo kid smile (which was almost as sexy as his emo kid pout), which she returned with the finger.

"Turn that off."

"Why?"

"Cause it's annoying."

"Why?"

"Cause no one even likes that band."

Harry obliged, but continued to brood out. Cause he was just that cool.

"Harry?" Hermione said, finishing up February's potions assignment with the flick of her quill.

"What?"

"Stop brooding."

"Fine." Harry said, straightening up and smiling at Ginny again. Who gave him the finger. Again.

"Harry?" Ron said again, this time he'd checked his other king.

"No one understands me!" He cried, collapsing into a pile of sobbing emoness before running back into his dorms to cry and possibly jerk off while looking at Ginny's picture.

"I was just going to ask him if he was hungry," Ron said, completely stunned at his best friend's reaction.

Hermione shrugged and peered over at his board, "I think you've checkmated yourself."

Ron looked down at the board. Indeed he had.

"Dammit! He's just too good!" He cried, doing a perfect impression of Harry's emo pout. Which did not look nearly as sexy on him as it did on Harry.

"Ron?"

"Yes?"

"You know you're playing yourself, right?"

"Of course I do!"

Oddly enough, Hermione doubted that.


	2. Chapter 2

Surprise, surprise, I'm not dead. And yeah, I'm gonna make an effort to update. Mmmhmm. (**Note**, those cute little hearts you can make on the computer? Those don't show up in this format, so /3 is it's equivilent, 'kay?)

**Chapter II**

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** OMFGAH!

HardcoreCuntFace: Lyek, what?

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** I llooooooove yr mysapce!

HardcoreCuntFace: ooohhh thanksxxx /3 /3 

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** it's lyeke soooo awesome and hardxcorexxxx!1

HardcoreCuntFace: what's yurs?

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** emoharry

HardcoreCuntFace: 'kay, 1 sec

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** kaaaay

HardcoreCuntFace: YOR GORGEOS!1!11 #/3/3/3

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** thnx!

HardcoreCuntFace: noprb /3/3/3/3

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** omg, I'm gonna ad u,

HardcoreCuntFace: kewl

HardcoreCuntFace: ooommfgah, we so0oo0 hve to meet && like do stffx/3/3/3/3

Harry paused slightly before typing his next response.

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** when

HardcoreCuntFace: today;;; it gunna b th seeex

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** but I'm xStraightxEdge.

HardcoreCuntFace: thats hxc

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** thnx /3

HardcoreCuntFace: where do u skool

Here, Harry also paused, cause he hadn't flipped his hair in almost two whole minutes, and he was getting really OCD about the whole thing. Mostly cause all the other emo kids looked so sexy when they did it, and Harry was the damn sexiest and most emo of all of them.

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** boarding

HardcoreCuntFace: hardcorex! I board 2

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** OMFSHIT rely?

HardcoreCuntFace: yeh

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** were

HardcoreCuntFace: England

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** me 222 /3/3/3

HardcoreCuntFace: we have 2 meet, SEXi!

At this point, we have discovered three things, Harry cannot spell for his life, he is a fucking hardxcore xStraightxEdgex, and there really is nothing under that sexy emo hair.

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** wot scool

HardcoreCuntFace: do u knw hogwrtz?

Harry's emo heart skipped a very emo beat. Hogwrtz, which actually meant Hogwarts, was his school! And, glancing down at the emblem on his shirt, his thoughts were confirmed. He did, in fact, go to Hogwarts too! Which meant that there was a really sexy (hardxcore 33) scene girl somewhere on the premises.

He'd been on his laptop, (once again, the reader will chose to ignore this plot hole) whoring himself on MySpace in hopes that some sexy, emo girl would pick him up, that way he could fuck her, even though he was totally straight edge, and make Ginny totally jealous so she would totally take him back. Because no one could resist emo Harry's sex appeal for long.

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** OMFGXXHZZZ I go there!11111!

HardcoreCuntFace: rely, me 222

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** that's so hxc && sexiii

HardcoreCuntFace: u hv study hall after lunch?

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** YEH

HardcoreCuntFace: omfgah, you have 2 meet m the old carms room!111!

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** yhe I so will, sexxiii

HardcoreCuntFace: I gotta go, give me some scene points, babey!111

**xxTearsxofxBloodxx:** kayxbai, I l0Ve u!

HardcoreCuntFace has just signed off.

Emo Harry could hardly believe his luck. He was going to get fucked, and he was going to get Ginny back.

Oh, and he just made 10,598 MySpace friends! Now that, was the best part of all.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **There are a lot of references to MySpace trends in here, which you might not get. But seriously, surf the scene kids on MySpace and you'll find this hilarious. Not to insult scene kids, though. Cause you could probably consider me one too.

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**Chapter III**

Harry passed the charms hallway in anticipation, anxiously anticipating the moment in which far off in the distance he would catch a glimpse of that beautiful black and blonde, short cut, flat ironed, hair sprayed shag which belonged to his new MySpace girlfriend, by the name of ALEXIS ELECTRIK X CORE (AP/VIP/ED/ADD/ADHD/FAT/UG/LY/PK/OCD/ANA/GR/SH/IT/BAD.)

There were more perfection tags, but the writing on his hand got smeared, so he couldn't read them right now.

Oh how he couldn't wait to take off those big sunglasses and let her hair down from those cute little childlike bows so he might kiss her. With any luck Ginny would be around. He did send her a comment about it. It read something like:

"OMFG we need 2 tlk meet me charms rooms plz

Harry Hardcore".

He'd decided to drop the Potter from his name in the hopes of becoming an even bigger MySpace celebrity, and he figured Hardcore was the best choice to replace it. After all, he was xStraightxEdgex to the MAX, YO!

And everyone needed to know that, if they didn't already by the giant Xs he always wore on his hands, and the mass of pins on his super cool man purse, most of them saying, "Kiss Me I'm Straight Edge" or "MySpace Celebrity". So there wasn't a great selection at Hot Topic that day, and these were on sale at the time… but come on! They did look amazing.

He looked down the hall and waved twice at a statue before realizing the hair in his eyes was obstructing his vision. He flipped it, and the problem was temporarily solved.

Yet then, he saw her. Dressed in a three inch miniskirt, skull leggings, four or five belts, a pair of pink and black vans, and her little sister's soccer t-shirt, ALEXIS ELECTRIK X CORE (AP/VIP/ED/ADD/ADHD/FAT/UG/LY/PK/OCD/ANA/GR/SH/IT/BAD. )His MySpace girlfriend. Who somehow managed to avoid the dresscode without being written up, thanks to the giant plot hole hovering above them both.

"ALEXIS ELECTRIK X CORE (AP/VIP/ED/ADD/ADHD/FAT/UG/LY/PK/OCD/ANA/GR/SH/IT/BAD)," he called, waving like a mad man, "It's Harry Hardcore!"

"Harry!" she started off at a run towards him, but as she got closer… the urge to vomit became hard to resist.

The liquid eyeliner covering most of her face was badly smeared, her perfectly messy hair looked like a wig, and she had some huge thunder thighs too.

But nevertheless… he needed to do this. For Ginny.

"Hi there," she puffed, obviously the thunder thighs were all fat, "Harry Hardcore."

"Hey," he feigned a smile, nearly puked, thought of Ginny, then smiled again.

And then flipped his hair.

"Uh… listen, I've only got. A couple minutes before, um… yeah, I got stuff to do, so you want to make this quick and let me fuck you now, and we can talk later?" _But not before I block your ass, foo'! _

Not very witty of him, you know, but it would do for the time, judging by the way ALEXIS ELECTRIK X CORE (AP/VIP/ED/ADD/ADHD/FAT/UG/LY/PK/OCD/ANA/GR/SH/IT/BAD)'s eyes lit up as he spoke.

"Sure!" her voice, which was annoyingly high, now that he realized it, cracked as she jumped for joy.

"Uh, okay," Harry flipped his hair and shrugged, hesitantly pressing his face towards ALEXIS ELECTRIK X CORE (AP/VIP/ED/ADD/ADHD/FAT/UG/LY/PK/OCD/ANA/GR/SH/IT/BAD), only pulling back twice before finally planting a kiss on her thin lips.

Turns out she wasn't half bad, slipping her tongue around in his mouth like a snake covered in Vaseline, in fact he was almost enjoying it. Hmm, how strange.

He pushed harder into her mouth, his hands working their way through the back of her—

Wig?

Suddenly, Harry realized he held in his black painted nails a wig of black and blonde, and that ALEXIS ELECTRIK X CORE (AP/VIP/ED/ADD/ADHD/FAT/UG/LY/PK/OCD/ANA/GR/SH/IT/BAD)'s head was suddenly very silvery.

Well, that was odd.

Suddenly ALEXIS ELECTRIK X CORE (AP/VIP/ED/ADD/ADHD/FAT/UG/LY/PK/OCD/ANA/GR/SH/IT/BAD)'s steely grey eyes became very wide, and she grabbed the mass of black and blonde from his hands, plopping it on her head. Backwards.

"Harry, um, would you mind not mentioning," a deep, masculine voice with a snotty rich accent came out of her pierced lips.

Wait a second…

Silvery hair... Grey eyes... Snotty acent… This was all very familiar.

"GODDAMMIT DRACO!" Harry yelled out suddenly, realizing that his MySpace girlfriend, in addition to being a man, also had terrible stubble, "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN MY LIFE?"

He quickly ran into the Charms room, found the nearest corner, and started to cry big, juicy tears of emoness. Which he now collected in a jar, he planned to mount it one day, or give it to Ginny as a sign of his love.

"Oh come now," the snotty accent drew closer, and the sound of too-big Vans clomped against the stone floor, "It isn't all bad now, is it?"

Harry nodded, still concentrating on getting that last tear out. It took a moment, and he had to think about kitties dying briefly before it finally came dripping down. The jar was almost full, and he almost ran to tell Ginny, but jumped when he realized that Draco Malfoy, still clad in drag, was staring him straight in the face, "I'll whore you."

Harry's eyes widdened, thinking gleefully of ALEXIS ELECTRIK X CORE (AP/VIP/ED/ADD/ADHD/FAT/UG/LY/PK/OCD/ANA/GR/SH/IT/BAD)- er... Draco's 24.6k friend list and the requests he'd get... He could maybe even make it to 20k himself! HA! Then he'd be a VIP rider on that new train for sure.

"Done," It was simply a no-brainer.

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**A/N:** For anyone who doesn't know, perfection tags are things you put in your display name that shows that you're special enough to be in some kind of elite whore train or whatever. It's getting really out of hand at this point. 

And another trend is to have your name be an alliteration: Ashily Acid, Harry Hardcore, Kelly Killer, etc.

And if you're seriuosly in the dark, whoring is when a MySpace celebrity, or anyone, posts a bulletin telling you to add someone else.


End file.
